I first began blogging after my heart surgery as a method of documenting and processing all the changes my body, mind and spirit were going through. I found it extremely therapeutic and was amazingly helpful to my recovery.
Having a blog to go back and read about where provided a point of reference to see how far I had actually come in those moments when I thought that I had barely moved in inch, physically or spiritually; those moments where it felt that I would always feel sick, tired and lost. I could look at the past reflected back on my computer screen and think, "well at least I'm not THERE" anymore.
Blogging took me through climbing stairs, running again and going back to work as a therapist. Each milestone that at one point (okay MANY points) I didn't think I would ever make. Recently, I paid a visit to my old blogs and sent up prayers of thanks at how far I have come. I read about the things I doubted I would ever do again after having open heart surgery such as wondering if I would ever climb the stairs in my house without becoming winded. Yes, of course, I can now. The stairs themselves don't slow my ranting at the kids to clean up their own crap and that MOM does not stand for My Own Maid as I scale up and down them a hundred or more times a day with armfuls laundry, toys, and backpacks like I'm training to climb Mt Everest.
And running? The morning I was diagnosed with my aneurysm I ran three miles before my doctor's appointment which completely freaked my cardiologist out. With a horrified look on her face I will never forget, she used words like rupture, burst, explode to dissuaded me from running and to bring home how serious the situation was. Eight weeks after surgery I began a super easy run/walk routine, and this summer I was in the middle of training for a half marathon when I was side-lined by a good old fashion runner's overuse injury - not my heart. If I never run a half marathon it won't be because of my heart it will be because out of frustration I chopped off my left foot and fed it to the coyotes.
Going back to work? Check. I returned to being a therapist about nine months after surgery working with kids who were involved in the juvenile justice system. I left a year later, broken-hearted in ways that had nothing to do with an aortic aneurysm or leaky heart valve. The past few years have been fraught with obstacles but surprisingly my open heart surgery seems to have been the least of them and the easiest to overcome.
So What Happened?
To be honest, I quit blogging this summer because I received some comments that I perceived as negative. Not that the comments themselves were negative, no one came out and said "YOU SUCK," but I perceived them as negative all the same. One of the biggest lessons I've learned since my last blog is the vast difference between what is said and what is actually heard.
I put my vulnerability out there and got slapped but learned a wonderful lesson. Holding up inauthentic images to the world ultimately causes more damage and hurt to our psyches than showing our most truthful authentic selves and getting slammed for it.
I can't guarantee that I will no longer hear negativity in the comments of others, or even in my own head for that matter, but the challenge I have set for myself is to continue on through the sucking negativity that tells me to quit writing, blogging, breathing because just who the hell do I think I am anyway?
So What Now?
The theme in my life since surgery has been fearlessness and bravery and so I decided to make 2011 The Year of Living Fearlessly! I have thought of a number of missions (still trying come up with some pithy description for them) for myself that carry immense fear for me. I intend to complete these missions, not in spite of the fear but because of it and then blog my experience. It isn't just about overcoming fear, I mean if that were all it was I would just jump out of an airplane and be done with it, right? It is more about transcending that feeling of "who do you think you are" and playing small. So no more playing small, do these things, put my experience out there and welcome whatever is returned by the universe.
First mission? Post his blog!
